The Reality

Some days I get so overwhelmed. I look at this beautiful baby girl that we have and I am just struck by the emotion.

We were told the baby was gone.

We were told we needed a D & C.

We were told there was no hope.

We were told it was final.

Yet, it just didn't feel right.

My mothers instinct was screaming NO.

They are wrong. I won't believe it, I refused to believe it.

So we waited.

Yes, we did lose a beautiful baby. I wonder sometimes what he or she might have been like. Karis's twin.

Yet, I am comforted by the fact that I trusted my instinct.

Our beautiful baby Karis is here today because I trusted myself. Second guessed the professionals. We waited. My amazing husband supported and backed my feelings.

10 days. The longest 10 days of my life, but there she was. Healthy as can be.

Blessed.

We are truly blessed, and yes, I do believe in miracles.

Karis Hope. You enrich our lives every single day.

The New Year and the Magic of New Beginnings

I love approaching a New Year. I love the natural thought process that happens when we allow ourselves to reflect on how we spent the last 12 months. Some years are monumental, full of new experiences, changes, accomplishments and growth. While others seem to be a constant battle and we feel lucky to have made it through in one piece.

For me the last 12 months hold both amazing memories and absolute heartbreak. During the year we lost, learned and were rewarded with an amazing gift.

We learned: To make time for ourselves again. To appreciate each other and make time for dating while being parents. We learned how precious and valuable our relationship is and will always put it first.

We decided to expand our family. We conceived twins.

We lost: One of our beautiful babies. Very early in the pregnancy. We didn't know there was two. A D&C didn't feel right so we waited.

We learned: To trust ourselves. The Friday before Christmas last year, they discovered our second baby! Three weeks after that we had confirmation that the pregnancy was healthy. We learned to trust our instincts. Always.

Our pregnancy was not without more issues and complications. I was placed on medical leave. I was told that nothing was worth risking the second baby. I happen to agree. We learned more. Work is work. At the end of the day I was a number and replaceable. I learned. I accepted.

Our gift: An amazing healthy baby girl that lights up our life. Who loves her big sister more then anything. She completes our family. Our life is full.

2015 holds so much. I look towards it with excitement. We have big goals and big dreams. We have learned so much and grown so much stronger. The hard times made us brutally aware of how precious life is and how to put things in perspective.

2015 will hold more challenges. Of that I am sure. However, it also will be bring changes and growth and so much excitement.

My heart is full and I am living in the moment enjoying these two beautiful girls that we have the gift of raising.

Merry Christmas and Hapy New Year! 

2015. We have our goals. We have our hopes. We are ready for the freshness of a New Year. 

Let's do this. 

Our Pregnancy Story

I share this story for no other reason then to simply share our story. It is in no way intended to provide medical advice or to slam our medical system as we had some amazing doctors along the way. We are grateful for their support, without them our sweet little Karis would not be with us.

Early in this pregnancy I was experiencing some severe pain and it was decided to do an early ultrasound to rule out tubal pregnancy. The first ultrasound was too early and it was not possible to say that it was not tubal. We went back a week later with the hope of ruling out a tubal pregnancy. The doctor came in at the end of the ultrasound and told us the baby was gone. They could not detect any cardiac activity and we were told to go get a D&C.

By that evening we didn't "feel" right about the diagnosis. We talked to our GP and maternity doctor and they agreed to support us in "waiting" it out to see what happened.

What followed was the longest 10 days of my life. Daily blood work to test the hCG levels. In early pregnancy the hCG usually doubles every 48-72 hours and it should normally increase by at least 60% every two days. My levels were doubling as expected but there was a 2% chance that I was experiencing a "missed miscarriage". This is when your body has lost the baby, but still continues to produce the hormone and act pregnant, even though you are not. We were told continually that the results looked optimistic but we should be cautious and not get our hopes up. It really made it difficult to not question my mental sanity. I wondered how deep my grief was that I just couldn't let go.......fast forward to the Friday before Christmas......our third ultrasound was scheduled.

Jeff and I went to the appointment, more nervous and anxious then we had ever been for anything before. It was the worlds longest hour. The technician was lovely and amazing but not allowed to discuss with us what she was seeing until the doctor was able to come and review the findings.

The findings were: twins. One that was viable, and up until this point had not been seen, and one that was not. This condition is referred to as vanishing twin syndrome. (Vanishing twin syndrome was first recognized in 1945. Vanishing twin syndrome is when one of a set of twin/multiple fetuses disappears in the uterus during pregnancy. This is the result of a miscarriage of one twin/multiple. The fetal tissue is absorbed by the other twin/multiple, placenta or the mother. This gives the appearance of a “vanishing twin”). The sweet little babe that they had found first was being re-absorbed by my body. The sac was almost empty by this point. The second baby that was just discovered appeared to be healthy. We were told to wait another two weeks to make sure that the baby was developing as they expected before we got too excited but at this point everything looked very hopeful.

With the Christmas holiday we ended up waiting for 3 weeks for ultrasound number 4. During the ultrasound everything checked out. The second sac was still present but empty and our other baby was thriving.

By the time we got to our 18 week ultrasound we had a healthy and super active babe. The babe that was discovered first was now 100% gone. Had we not had early ultrasounds we would have never known that it had been there. Other then the initial pain there were no symptoms to suggest that this was happening within my body. For the remainder of the pregnancy I was grateful for the super active baby that remained. I had constant reassurance that she was there.

On July 31, 2014 our sweet Karis Hope was born.

Healthy. Beautiful. Real.